13 inexcusable reasons why men cheat
I am sure someone is probably thinking “is it only men that cheat?”. Well of course not. While no one is exempt from the feelings of temptation, women do cheat as well but our main focus today is going to be the male counterpart. Moreover, “There’s no question that men cheat more than women,” says Steven Nock.
“In the bad old days when we had to prove why we were getting divorced, that was the leading cause.” This was mostly because the husbands were guiltier of infidelity in marriage than their wives — but also because, says Nock, “society is more tolerant of men’s misdeeds“. This I would say is part of the source of the problem. The usual conventional wisdom when a man cheats is that “he is a man, men would always be men” but when a woman does it, she is seen as a true pariah. All of this is what I call arrant nonsense.
See also: 10 inexcusable reasons why women cheat
Why do men cheat?
Why do men cheat? Some may cheat because they are unsatisfied, but, as a rule, men don’t cheat because they are unhappy. Men cheat because they think they can get away with it and because they’re willing to let themselves get away with it. Cheating is, strangely, a behaviour that can make it hard to be a good father and husband, but also a behaviour that isn’t correlated with familiar love or care.
They think well, I just did this but in every other way I’m reliable; I’m responsible; I’m committed; I show up; I’m a really good guy. It’s just cheating.”
What they don’t understand is that women don’t think that way.
It can be pretty astonishing how amazingly creative men get when they try to explain why. Often, some find ways to blame others for their choices—their spouse, their boss, even the other woman.
I find most of the reasons that cheating men use to justify their infidelity fascinating—because almost all of these reasons imply that cheating was the only logical solution to their relationship issues and other life problems. I often find myself thinking, “Sure, cheating is an option, but only one among many”.
There are various other ways to resolve relationship issues without necessarily cheating. The most annoying part would be when they get confronted, you see them trying to minimize, rationalize, and justify their behaviour with statements like:
“It’s a man’s biological imperative to have sex with as many women as he can because Men have needs” (and women don’t?).
This statement is so bad that it has made the majority imbibe the mentality that “men would always cheat” making one eventually question If love does exist.
“If I got enough (or better) sex at home, I wouldn’t need to cheat”
“Am I the first to cheat”
“If my wife hadn’t gained so much weight—or if she was nicer to me, or more attentive—I wouldn’t have even thought about going elsewhere”.
“We just made out, nothing serious” (really?)
A monogamous relationship, by definition, is supposed to be a faithful one, so it is not surprising that the first thing a scorned partner wants to know is, “why”
13 inexcusable Reasons Why Men Cheat
Doesn’t love you enough or at all
It goes without a saying that a relationship where the man has little or no love for his spouse, then he is highly prone to cheating without remorse. Even men who have a level of love or claim to, often go outside not to talk of a man who doesn’t. When he doesn’t love you enough or at all, he would cheat without guilt because when you really and truly love your partner, you wouldn’t want to do anything to hurt them. After all, their feelings and happiness would be a priority of yours. Also, when you respect them.
sex addiction is described as a compulsive need to perform sexual acts to achieve the kind of “fix” that a person with alcohol use disorder gets from a drink. For some people, sex addiction can be highly dangerous and result in considerable difficulties with relationships. It has the potential to negatively impact a person’s physical and mental health, personal relationships, quality of life, and safety.
It’s believed that a person with sex addiction will seek out multiple sex partners, though this in itself is not necessarily a sign of a disorder. Some report that it may manifest itself as a compulsive need to masturbate, view pornography, or be in sexually stimulating situations. A person with sex addiction may significantly alter their life and activities to perform sexual acts multiple times a day and are reportedly unable to control their behaviour, despite severe negative consequences. Hence, continual cheating.
You might be thinking ‘but married men are matured enough but they still cheat’.Well, to start with, maturity is not by age. Also, some persons can be very immature when it comes to certain aspects of their lives.
If he does not have a lot of experience in committed relationships, or if he doesn’t fully understand that his actions will inevitably have consequences like hurting his partner, he may think it is fine to have sexual adventures. He might think of his commitment to monogamy as a jacket that he can put on or take off as he pleases, depending on the circumstances.
Unlike men who cheat chronically as a result of deeper-rooted attachment disorders and sex addictions, healthy men who cheat occasionally are not pathological, they’re immature. Weiss says, “Most men fall somewhere in the middle between being faithful and having cheated once, realizing it was immature and learning from it.”
Recommended: The role of each partner in a relationship
Our upbringing always has a great role to play when we eventually become adults. We all come from different homes and grew with a different mentality. Going through tough times as a kid certainly doesn’t guarantee someone will grow up to be unfaithful — but it may make a person more likely to cheat.
What we witness as children, the problems we go through, and the types of lifestyles our parents model for us all play a role in how we conduct ourselves as adults. If someone grows up with parents who were unfaithful to each other, for example, it may create the mindset that cheating is acceptable, and thus make it more likely that a person will cheat themselves.
Alongside upbringing is child abuse. He may be reenacting or latently responding to unresolved childhood trauma—neglect, emotional abuse, physical abuse, sexual abuse, etc. In such cases, his childhood wounds have created attachment and intimacy issues that leave him unable or unwilling to fully commit to one person.
Must read: 5 undisputed steps to quality parenting
A man who is selfish and self-centred has a great tendency of cheating because he cares about only himself and is never considerate of others. So when his primary consideration is for himself and himself alone. He can therefore lie and keep secrets without remorse or regret, as long as it gets him what he wants. Lots of men cheat because they are simply just selfish, self-centred and inconsiderate.
Some men usually claim that their spouse fails to meet their sexual needs. But what they fail to realize is that they sometimes have unrealistic expectations. He may feel that his partner should meet his every whim and desire, sexual and otherwise, 24/7, regardless of how she feels at any particular moment. He fails to understand that she has a life of her own, with thoughts and feelings and needs that don’t always involve him. When his expectations are not met, he seeks external fulfilment.
Yes, ones’ sexual life is an integral part of a relationship and time should be created for it but then one also sometimes needs to be reasonable and understand that there are times where your wife could be exhausted with work and all and not up for it when you might be. This is where understanding comes in.
After all, the whole point of it is pleasure, right? So what exactly is the point if your partner is in pain while trying to please you. This takes us back to the inconsiderateness I spoke about earlier. So unrealistic expectations like their spouse being at their beck and call 24/7 and when it’s not met, it’s what they often claim as the reason why they cheat.
See also: Why Low Expectations Are good
No peace at home
This also happens to be one of the top reasons why men actually cheat. A man who has no peace of mind or peace at home with his wives has greater chances to cheat as well.
Imagine always going home to a woman with bad anger issues and constant nagging. It could make a man seek peace somewhere else.
Take, for instance, the case of Naomi in the movie the men’s club, where she goes as far as locking her husband out for no good reason. It shouldn’t surprise her much when he finds shelter in another woman’s house.
Even though generally, as a man if your house is on fire, you should always find a way to quench that fire and calm it down and not run somewhere else. That’s the right thing to do.
But then again, if I am to be fair, women also have a great role to play and some do not make quenching the fire any easier which eventually pushes the man to infidelity.
Anger and Revenge
He may cheat to get revenge. Take, for example, he probably found out that his spouse is flirting with another or even cheated. Some men’s next point of action is to angrily cheat on her too. Some even use that as an opportunity to cheat not only because they want to get even but also because sometimes they want and now it seems like they have seen a free pass. So he could cheat out of revenge or anger because he is angry with his mate and wants to hurt her. In such cases, the infidelity is meant to be seen and known. The man does not bother to lie or keep secrets about his cheating, because he wants his partner to know about it.
The problem of Ex’s
“I screwed up with the one I love and she wouldn’t take me back and I was lonely. So I started dating someone, but we never stopped loving each other and one day we gave in and cheated on our partners with each other.” These are the words from a man who cheated on his significant other with his ex.
These oftentimes goes both ways for both men and women. Sometimes hanging around your ex and talking to them way more often than normal can leave you at the good edge of cheating, more so if they are still some feelings for them. The probability of cheating becomes high if the opportunity arises. So it’s not healthy when men are too inclined with women they have had something to do with in the past. It often what leads or places them in a position to cheat.
He is no longer interested
Men cheat freely when they are no longer interested. He might even be praying to be caught in the act(lol). He may want to end his current relationship. However, instead of just telling his partner that he’s unhappy and wants to break things off, he cheats and then forces her to do the dirty work.
Men hardly want to be the one to break it off especially if the spouse doesn’t have any faults. Instead, they just speak with their actions and allow the spouse to get fed up. Sometimes you could even find them playing the victim like they are hurt and didn’t mean to but then it is exactly what they want.
Underlying negative habits
Sometimes a man’s cheating can be attributed to certain underlying issues and bad habits like drugs, excess alcohol intake etc. An experienced male acquaintance of mine once said to me “one fact remains that most men who often drink a lot are usually promiscuous“. Yes, men with uncontrollable drinking habits and bar visits are very much prone to cheating.
Lack of self-control & Discipline
I intentionally reserved this point for last because generally if you ask me it is the crown to all others. Lack of self-control and discipline is like the major reasons why men cheat if you ask me. You can’t expect a loose man and lack discipline to be faithful to you. Yes, men have stronger sexual impulse but this can be reduced with great self-control and discipline.
Researchers at the Department of Psychology at Texas A&M University discovered that men have stronger sexual impulses, while women have better self-control. However, when men practised self-control, their impulses were reduced. “It makes sense that self-control, which has relatively recent evolutionary origins compared to sexual impulses, would work similarly — and as effectively.
Recommended: Why is self-discipline necessary?
For most men, no single factor drives the decision to cheat. And sometimes a man’s reasons for infidelity evolve as his life circumstances change. Regardless of his true reasons for cheating, he didn’t have to do it.
So generally, there is usually no reason for cheating. This is why when some men get caught and are asked to explain you hear them say things like “it was the devil’s work”. As though they woke up one morning and just mistakenly cheated. Cheating is hardly ever a mistake, oftentimes it’s a process.
‘It’s the devil’s work” “It was a mistake”
Those are just the usual lines heard when the man has no cogent reason as to why he did what he did. (We could probably say except lack of self-discipline).
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